Being authentic

After leaving most situations, I often question my own authenticity. How was it? Did I remain me, confident, quiet, clever, empathetic and ..and and
Recently I discovered that I can be anything I wanted to be, so long as it resonated with my own truth. Ok, I couldn’t be a man, or a Koi fish or a fairy in the garden, but I could stop,… be quiet and… listen to me and who is inside.
Take more time to myself.

I have always loved to abide by my own rules.(This has irritated many a loved one!)
“Why Not?” I say! Everyone to themselves! It sounds kind of selfish but if I take it to the next phase, it is really only about self love. After forty years of figuring out the rules I want in life,I am ready for:

Phase 2: Learning to abide by the rules I make.

In honour of this new phase I would like to share some wisdom: I read yesterday at the school library, from AJAHN CHAH: To gain true happiness seek refuge in yourself.

Recently, (well for the last four years), I have dedicated my spriritual learning to Buddhism: I did a Vipassana ten day retreat, have had the opportunity to listen to some inspiring Dhamma talks and learn some different meditation techniques.

My old Master’s Master, Sant Kirpal Singh wrote that the meaning of life was: ‘ Man know thyself .’

His age old Light and Sound meditation still remains the closest to my heart. I miss my Master, even though missing him goes against a predominant part of what he tried to teach me. But, I know he has a sense of humour. “Ha HA haaahahahahhaha”, he says, there she goes making up her own rules. Well, I do also recall him saying: I don’t want you to be a sheep, I want you to be a lion.

So, back to PHASE 2, of following both Ajahn Chah and Kirpal’s advice.

Have you ever felt so tired and not known why that is? Have you ever thought that maybe you are just totally exhausted trying to be what others expect of us?
Maybe you are a Projector too.

Expectations I no longer feel comfortable meeting:

Being social – whatever this means. I have started to lay low. It’s not that I don’t like people, I just find large gatherings a bit too much, afterwards and sometimes the next morning, even if I am not drinking. 🙂 Recently I had my Human Design translated to me and it made me realise many things about myself that I had always known but had chosen to ignore. Some of these things were not to my liking, but unfortunately, I had to agree that this Human Design thing was spot on..gulp!
What I found out was that I was a Projector. This means, that I am a bit of a chameleon, I can accommodate everyone. Well, almost. Unfortunately it only seems that way. I am only projecting what you want to see and unless you look extremely closely and truly love me you may see that I am something else underneath this all. I am not the fun party girl extrovert that some may think. The networker, the organiser the liaiser. I am a hermit.
Being available– This is similar to the above point but it not only has helped me by learning to say no, but I also moved 30km away from everyone so that I can be a hermit. I still like it when my friends visit me. I am actually a total slackass when it comes to keeping in contact. With my family and all of my friends strewn around the world due to a life of transience.
On the upside, a life of moving about, automatically helps you to release the attachments. A difficult obstacle on the way to enlightenment taught in Eastern religions.
Being Happy – Ha Haaaa, Who is happy all the time? Not me. I just discovered that I am perimenopausal and it isn’t fun, just ask my husband, bless his golden heart. I want to be honest, authentic. I ask myself as I leave any situation. Did you speak your truth, were you your true self in that meeting? It isn’t every time, but it could be, well that is my goal anyway. I have been caught crying at school pick up and impatient about waiting. They are not the coolest things to do in public, but I was me, authentic. I should be proud, but I wasn’t….there is a whole other blog entry.
Being beautiful – I don’t want to shave my armpits and legs all the time. I shower, but I dont want to have to look like a movie star every time I leave the house. I like my baggy pants, elastic waist skirts and Tshirts. I do like to dress up and go out with my husband from time to time, it is fun.

Actually I also want to say that Human Design is awesome. I might write more about it, over the next while, but if anyone wants a consultation, I can recommend one. It has encouraged me to go on a journey of love for myself.

Must go to cook dinner for the family

Love

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